Down 10!

I'm back from my weigh-in today and I am down a total of 10 pounds now:). I was worried because I wasn't journaling but I was trying to eat lots of protein. But what a relief when I saw that scale down 2 lbs from last weigh in.
I'm still in some pain from the HSG but I think my cycle may have started...It was full on through the night but has tapered off again. I will monitor it and call the fertility clinic in the morning tomorrow because I'm not sure how this might affect my last blood test I need to have on day 3 of my cycle. But is this the beginning of a cycle or bleeding from the HSG test? Oh just more of the wondering, I am getting used to... I will find out tomorrow.
I'm glad to be resting the rest of the day with my 2 kitties... Although I will be googling to try to figure out what is causing some itchy dry skin on my face.
TTFN

Libido...I'm gonna need that

I had my appointment with the therapist yesterday and asked to come off the meds. I had a whole slew of reasons. I know they worked because I feel better, younger, more carefree. I'm worried that they may contribute to hairloss (although using rollers gives me great results). But the most convincing for her I think was my lowered libido and umm, I'm gonna need that! She was resistant but agreed to let me try to come off the meds but I must journal my moods and have hubby make note of any rebounding signs of depression.
Speaking of libido...I had my HSG test today. They put fluid that shows up on the xray into my uterus then took repeated images. My left falopian tube is definately open, my right was inconclusive because given more time the fluid may have flown out but the fluid from the left side began to billow around to the right. i totally see why someone should drive you home from this test too... The cramping recessively scaled down throughout the day but since you go home immediately if you were driving yourself you would definately be imparied. All the way home it was-> Ouch! Oh now that feels a little better. Ouch! okay that's even better, Ouch!...
Plus the update on work is that it was great! Much more fun than expected. We had a review and I have a few things to work on but overall I know I'm in the right place. With one shoot under my belt and knowing the flow of the shoots now I can further focus on perfecting my work.
In the weight department. I shall divulge tomorrow after a weigh in...
TTFN

Where Do I Go From Here...

So I have my first team shoot on Saturday and one next Saturday... Seems like this will be a one shoot per week thing and I need to find more work during the day - during the week.
I had an abdominal ultrasound and blood test for the Wharton Clinic today, I am going to put off my weigh-in until Tuesday before I go to the therapist. My last weigh in was Monday before my class with Dr. Wharton so it will have been 15 days. I've fallen off the food journal wagon again but tried to keep to the right food at the right time...
My class with Dr. Wharton was really great though his philosphies are very inspiring and he explaines the science behind why some people gain weight easier. It was a super class.
I found a great way to style my hair too. I tried putting my hair in rollers while it dried and the bounce was very pleasing!
I am getting anxious to find out what the results of the fertility tests will be> we still have 3 tests to go but 2 of them are determined by appointment and 1 by my cycle. Then after that we will have our follow up and learn what the next step is.
So after I have my first shoot/ assignment, I think I will feel like I have all of these changes under my belt then I need to find out how to keep my forward momentum...maybe I need to get to that day planner thing...hmm
TTFN

Ode to the Hairstylist

Today I went and had my hair cut. I abandon the idea that I needed to have a picture though. I decided to tell the stylist my problem (thinning hair) and let her do as she saw fitting for me. The result is great! I told Paula (the stylist) that I am going through some hormonal changes, that I noticed my hair thinning mostly on the sides, that I needed a shorter length so that there would be less brushing and so my hair wouldn't be so flat on my head. As a result I have what I would call a soft "Rachel" (you know Jennifer Aniston's hair in the early Friends days). The length brushes my shoulders, there are lots of layers low in the cut and the top is still pretty solid but short enough to bounce. it has really helped my outlook on the whole hair issue.
Yesterday I was dealing with "the other end". I had my intravaginal ultrasound. This was a first for me and a new level of discomfort! Bless all those women who have had this done many times and I hope to get used to it and be able to ignore the pressure. I am starting to get anxious to find out the results of all these tests...June will tell...TTFN

Hair loss

A few here and a few there...that's how it started. The drain would clog with my hair and we'd just use a pair of old tweezers and clear it out. I'd fill my brushes with hair faster than usual but it was never something I really paid attention too so I didn't really know if my hair was coming out more. I'd run my hands through my hair and have a bunch of hairs in my hand but I'd figure it was because I didn't brush it yet. Until Sunday... I had a shower and twisted my hair up into a clip while it was wet. I did some other things to get ready then went back to my hair. I considered leaving it up in the clip so I took my hand mirror to see what it looked like from the back and I saw for sure that I had many more clear patches. I asked my mom later that day if she thought my hair was thinner. And yes she did. Hubby, Mom, Dad and I discussed it.
So the question of why is not a hard one because 2 of the things I am being "checked out for" have symptomatic hair loss...PCOS and low thyroid.
The question is what to do, Dad and hubby agreed that getting a shorter cut might help. Hubby said having less to brush might cause less to come out.
I've googled it and found some advice that makes sense to me. Be gentle (like I always have been), avoid tight or hair dos that pull (I have trouble with this because I like up dos), expect density to return with treatment after the hormonal problems are treated but the loss will continue until the hormones are balanced. Hair styles that are suggested around the web are having a length between your shoulders and your ears with layering to keep the hair light and up lifted.
My fear about getting my hair cut is a loss of my sense of femininity. I've had my hair short before and liked it but I'm a little frozen because the loss of density in my hair plus having it short might be too much. I feel like the length is feminine and I want to keep that but I also understand that cutting it will most likely preserve the density better which is important too and more so for the long run.
Well...I think writing this blog helped me decide what to do...I will look for a shorter style I like and consult with a stylist.
TTFN

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms, Mammas, Mas and Mommies out there. And in the case of my mother its Mhumma (you have to make the m and the h sound at the same time). Thanks to our moms for their sweet nothings and for being the soft place for us to land in this hard world.

Also I must send a word out for all those hope to be moms. Mothers day can be hard but what I will try to do is think "I hope I'm a mom soon" rather than all the negative thoughts that could happen like "I'm not a mom" "Will I ever be a mom?"..."What's wrong with me?" "Why me?". STOP. Really stop yourself from thinking those types of thoughts by paying attention to your thoughts. Be logical about it, you may need medical help or maybe you should consider adoption. Hope to be a mom and figure out how to achieve that goal. So arm yourself with positive thoughts and go out visiting and indulge in the idea of motherhood. Ask the moms you know about their feelings about motherhood and use that to "fire you up" to move to the next logical step in your own fight for motherhood. That's what I will do today!
TTFN

Busy But Good

It has been a couple of busy days. On Friday (yesterday) I stopped at the Wharton Clinic for a weigh in before stopping in to see my therapist then I went on to training for my new job. Today I continued training for my new job but we did some practical photography work.
First things first, I lost 2.5 lbs over the last 2 weeks. Woohoo!
Second, on the mental health front, I talked to the therapist about some of the side effects of the medication and how they have subsided. We also discussed how I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes and how to best keep organized with all of the appointments, in addition to some strategies for time management in learning to keep my home more tidy without feeling bad about it. I'll blog about my solutions for that once I set up some day planners etc.
Third, work is really great. Working with my fellow photographers today helped me see that I have some assets that the others don't. I had taken for granted my experience working with children and my ability to take charge of the situation. When behind the camera it comes natural for me to speak up and take charge. Some of the other photographers who have been with the company for other seasons were warning us about all the weird and annoying things kids will do while you are trying to take pictures...Duh! The thing about that is that the behaviours are quite predictable once you are used to working with children, which I am even in large groups. So I guess that is one more thing I can feel good about.:D
TTFN

Orange Drink

I went for my fasting tests this morning. I didn't realize that I would be there for 2 hours to have the glucose challenge test but I managed with the aid of a stray magazine. I again had more needles than really required because the techs have trouble finding "good" veins. Everything did go smoother than last night though. The tech today that couldn't find a vein didn't poke around as much and asked another tech to try right away.
The oddest part of the test for me was drinking the glucose orange drink. I have really cut back on sweets and pop or juice are completely out of my diet. I only drink water, coffee, tea, milk and soy milk. So drinking what was like orange pop (minus the bubbles) was quite a flavour experience. The drink even had a bit of a bite, it burned a little in my throat. Super sweet.
But that is the point of the test. They took blood after fasting for 12 hours then I drank the glucose/super sweet drink, sat there for 2 hours, then they took more blood. This will show my fasting insulin level and show what happens to my insulin after I ingest glucose. Ultimately this will show if I am insulin resistant which is a component to Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which in turn may be affecting my fertility.
There is so much testing going on but this test is one I am very interested in because it will explain a whole bunch of my health issues.
TTFN

First Fertility Appointment

Hubby and I went to see the fertility doctor today at One Fertility's transition location in Hamilton. Dr. Karnis was excellent, she put us at ease with her sense of humour. After interviewing us and going over our medical history she said she wanted to test my blood to see if I am insulin resistant because I might have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and that would be the reason why I have irregular periods/ovulation and thus why we have not been able to conceive. But she also said that ovulation is not a factor until we make sure my tubes are clear and hubby's little commandos are on the move. Dr. K also said it is great that I am going to the Wharton Clinic because loosing weight will help with fertility and if she is right about the PCOS then loosing weight will also help prevent diabetes which I may be predisposed to because of PCOS.
So we left the office with 2 fists full of requisitions for tests and appointments for my ultra sound and hysterosalpingogram. We went straight to the lab near our house where I had 11 vials of blood taken and hubby had 5 vials taken. I will fast until morning and go back for a fasting glucose and insulin test amoung others.
I had to be stabbed 3 times before the second tech could get a blood sample at the lab. I am a little worried about going back there in the morning for the fasting tests but it is close to my house. I regretted not stopping at the lab in my GPs office on the way home (where they always get the blood on the first poke) after sitting through the 3 needles and the 1st tech saying my veins are too small and they collapsed on him. I think I will just remind them that I was the one from the day before that has the small veins, although my bruises will remind them!
All our testing will take about a month so we will see Dr. K again in June for a diagnosis and to discuss treatment options. It feels good to begin having the mystery uncovered.
TTFN

Back in Order

Well its after dinner now and I only have one snack left to eat and record before I can say I have successfully gone back to the way things need to be. That's right I climbed back on the food journal wagon and I've recorded everything I ate and drank today. On top of that its been a good day for calories, protein and carbs but not as good for fat (+.83 g) and fibre (-10.52g). But fat and fibre are not really my focus, so I can say that today has been successful. I'm still struggling with the whole exercise thing and I need to kick it up because I have a weigh in this Friday.
I was glad to relax today. I am making so many changes, I have never felt things changing SO quickly in my life before. It was nice today to get back to basics and ensure my own well being. I must admit I was feeling rundown this morning and began to worry that I am spreading myself too thin---Can I handle all the change? So a pause of a day to gather my thoughts has been great to re-enforce my ability to move forward.
TTFN

Down a size, up a sundae.

I went shopping with my Mom today and was pleasently surprised to find I was down a size. Sure it was a little snug but I was comfortable. The messed up part is that I started by trying on a size bigger than normal. In retrospect I don't really know why that happened but I think maybe I was stuck in old ways of thinking and assumed I would need a bigger size. So then moving passed my "normal" size to a size smaller was great.
THEN I got home and hubby asked if I wanted to go out for dinner, I suggested a new fish place in our neighbourhood that my partents had recommended and we went. They had the option to have a "healthy" meal (olive oil, salad, broiled fish), BUT I had haddock and chips (bad on many levels). THEN we went to DQ! I had a sundae.
I am feeling guilty about what I ate tonight but also that I haven't been food journaling for a few days. So I must state right now that tomorrow is my back to business, full on journaling, being fabulously healthy day...
TTFN

Bright Yellow T-shirt!

Training went well for my new job today. And I am so pleased to say that my "uniform" is a bright yellow t-shirt! (please note the sarcasm) I feel more confident having spent a day with 36 of my co-workers also starting contract at this time. We were a mixed group of photographers and assistants. It was interesting to watch and hear people create a social structure within the group. The photographers being superior as the "skilled" part of the group. I listened to photographers talk using photo-jargon knowing that those hired to be assistants would not really understand them. But the really funny part was that it seems the assistants have to do so much more "work".
I think this might be one of the first times of my life that I am on this side of the coin. The side of the coin where someone is "subservient" to me. I have to learn how to value and express gratitude to my assistant and yet appreciate my own valuable skills and not belittle my abilities. Confidence will continue to be important as I get comfortable in my new job. I must put my best foot forward and let my skills do the rest.
Is it weird to feel like I have the opportunity and the skills but worry that I need more confidence?
In the context of my life challenges I guess this is truly an opportunity to refine my identity. I am so grateful to be at this point, reforming myself, rather than struggling, wondering where my life has gone wrong.
Now I just have to work on having the fashion confidence to pull off a bright, and I mean bright yellow t-shirt!
TTFN