Change in motion

No blog yesterday but I was wrapped up in my off-line life. I had my therapist appointment yesterday, after talking for an hour she recommended that I go on anti-depressant meds for 8 weeks. She said I am mildly depressed and doing everything right with my thoughts/cognitive changes as well as behaviours but she felt that my repeated disappointments over the last 2 years have stepped down my serotonin/"the everything's okay brain chemical". I have reservations about taking meds but I have 3 reasons to go ahead. 1. Its only for 8 weeks. 2. I have been so down I don't really remember how it feels to feel the "good" that I took for granted before. 3. I called mother risk and verified that it is safe to be on the anti-depressants prescribed even if I get pregnant. So onward and upward...
Speaking of possible pregnancy, late yesterday afternoon I got a call from Dr. Karnis' receptionist and we now have an appointment for fertility at the transition location for One fertility.
Boy oh boy when you open up to change its amazing how things can really get rollin'!
TTFN

New Job

I am excited! I just received an email from my new boss. Training starts on Saturday. I'm excited because I am finally going to have a job I feel proud of not just a job for the money. I have a sense of challenge and a sense of adventure. I feel confident but am interested to see the skill level of my co-workers. I am starting a new contract with a company that takes sports teams pictures. You know like the ones you see in the businesses around town because they've sponsored a kids' soccer team. I'll be the one behind the camera telling the group to say "I've got flees".
One thing that hangs in the back of my mind is that when I was a kid the men who came to take the pictures were always creepy. So I guess I'm the creepy guy now! lol. I really hope this goes well. It will take up my evenings and weekends for a while and I will be driving all over Southern Ontario (that's the adventure part!). The best part is that if I am successful I will be offered a contract for school photography. I think that would be a really great job! Wish me luck!
TTFN

Emotional Eating

I had my first "class" experience at the Wharton clinic today. It was given by a behavioural therapist. She told us to try to track our thoughts and learn to identify our problem triggers for over eating. It was interesting but things I had heard before. Especially the track your thoughts stuff its just like in my Mindful Way through Depression book. "Mindfulness" has become the new tool for many facets of my life.
It was great to listen to the other people in the class who are having similar or even more difficult struggles with food. I went for a walk right after I got home then felt very tired again. I think I should have had more carbs early in the day. I shall try to do that tomorrow...
TTFN

Ate a big meal and went to bed.

As you may very well notice I didn't blog yesterday. I couldn't think of what to blog about in the morning. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Then we went out in the pouring rain to dinner where I didn't stick to my diet on the whole.
In my mind, if we went out for dinner then we could go for a nice romantic walk by the lake after and wear-off some calories. But it was still raining when we finished dinner so we went home watched a movie and went to bed way too early.
Having slept for way too long I am blogging this morning feeling completely relaxed and looking forward to getting back on the wagon. I'll make breakfast then maybe go for a walk. The weather is not as nice as yesterday but it looks fresh...Kind of what I'm looking for:)
TTFN

3.4

3.4 pounds lost! Woo hoo. That's a step in the right direction. I learned a lot at my meeting with the Bariatric Educator at the clinic today too. Apparently my off the diet deep end was not really off the deep end. (This is of course under Doctor's supervision and is a plan designed for me by specialists.) I was right too cut carbs and raise protein as much as I did.
My food diary has changed too. Looking back at the diary I was given to keep at my first visit, 2 weeks ago, that diary was like kindergarten. But it's totally cool how they are taking me step by step into a plan that is more complex and more specific for me. The new diary is less about what I ate and more about what is in what I am eating. Now its more like here is what your body needs what did you eat to fulfill that. The first diary was different because it was arranged to show what I ate then I had to list what nutrients and calories were in that food.
I'm looking forward to finishing the rest of my testing because I am feeling tired lately. Might be my thyroid, that tested "borderline" with the family doctor at the beginning of the month. we will see.
I have to go snack now (I have to eat 8 times a day!)
TTFN

Through the 'hood and wood.

Well I managed to squeeze a half hour walk into my busy day. I walk through the neighbourhood and the woods in the park behind my home, it took me 32 minutes round trip today. Once I can make it a little faster I will have to add some distance so I am still walking for at least a half hour.
About my busy day...its totally not busy! For months my days have been mostly about what's on T.V. this is where depression is still lingering. I am looking forward to talking to the psychologist about my enduring lack of interest in doing anything that requires I remove my rump from my couch. The biggest problem is housework. Oh yes, I have time to keep my place super clean but it is not.
This is a very old habit but I find it creepy these days. I need to discover the role of procrastination in my life. I think it might have something to do with my identity or a sense of duty or being needed. It may be that if I have nothing at least I have a mess to clean up. That might be too weird. Although it wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was nothing and it was a messy kitchen that helped me find that rock bottom. My lowest thought was I can't even keep the dishes clean. The only thing that kept me going was that I knew that my loved ones loved and valued me in return. I called the doctor the next day and found a book that helped me immeasurably "The Mindful Way through Depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn.
Now if only I can learn to value a clean sink a little more often!
TTFN

Diet Deep End

So it seems I've gone off the diet deep end. On April 11th I had my first visit at the Wharton Clinic. I was weighed and measured and had brief counselling. The thing that stuck in my head was to raise my protein and fibre and maintain my carbs. Well that has manifested as lower my carbs and send my protein through the roof!
I have spent the evening making a spreadsheet of my calorie, protein, and carbs totals for each day since April 12th. (My willpower and spreadsheets tend to have a co-relation, so this is a good sign). But while looking at all the numbers I realized that there might just be too much of a good thing going on here... So with a little "googling" I found that going 30% above the daily recommended intake of protein is a bad thing. Plus my carbs are too low and my calories are too low when I look back at the sheet with my measurements and recommendations from the clinic.
In closing I will have to tweak my "intake" (plus increase my exercise, I'm lacking hardcore there) . On the bright side, it is apparent that I don't have to worry so much about a treat here or there. :)
TTFN
P.S. Weigh-in on Friday.

New Cycle

I didn’t know where I would start today but the answer just showed up. Yesterday was day 45 and today is day 1. Fertility the first issue I will get into more detail about. So I have been trying to have a child for about 2 years now (lots of infertility denial at work). I am waiting for news about my referral to One Fertility although they are not open until June. So where are my emotions at? I am feeling relaxed and relieved.
Huh? Hoping to conceive and relieved that it didn’t happen this cycle? No, relaxed and relieved that I made it through a cycle without feeling like a crazy person. 2 years of hoping every cycle (albeit irregular) and never having it come true made me feel crazy. But “Ahaaaaaaaaaa” *sing the angels* I made it through a cycle without being obsessed about pregnancy symptoms or fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test. I can have hormones and emotions AND be a functioning logical woman! Woo hoo! I did it! Thus I am relaxed and relieved because my plan to focus on myself for the next little while is working.
My plans are to work on my health and weight loss, educate myself about mental health and avoiding the “crazy person” feeling, and find fulfillment and balance in my career and financial contribution to my marriage. As my plan continues to be successful I will find myself on a healthier more sure footing to investigate our fertility and take the steps I need to take toward my hearts desire. In closing I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge my disappointment that aunt flo showed up again and also acknowledge that I want to eat chips and chocolate right now. Maybe I'll blog about chips and chocolate substitutes tomorrow...
TTFN

First Blog

So here I go putting it "out there" for the world to see. My revelations. First I must point out that last year was an all time low in my life. I am coming out of the dark now attempting to gain back some of my optimism. I have decided to blog because 30 is hard! But also because I look around and find women near my age struggling too. I am realizing that many many women around the age of 30 suffer silently or rather say "everything is fine" but really everything SUCKS! Having said that... from the deep dark dirt grows the flowers in the spring and a rainy day now and then will ultimately help the flower grow. I think it would be to my detriment to explain everything that made last year SO bad, rather I will just say that I am glad it is over and use this blog to share how I am productively climbing out of dark, just like a seed finally germinating. I will share my stories of my new job, my new weight loss program, my mental health, and my fertility. In closing I want to share one of the phrases I heard lately that gave me a light bulb moment... Women must learn to give themsleves without losing themselves.
TTFN