Before the year is out

I figured I better post a new blog before the year is out! So... two Sundays ago I began a new cycle. It took longer because it was a "natural" cycle about 50 days...10 more days and I'd be inquiring about meds to start my cycle, but it didn't come to that. I had a whole day of light spotting so I waited before calling the Doctor. I called on Tuesday when I was sure my cycle was "a go".

I knew the office was going on Christmas vacation but according to my math I would be eligible for a round of clomid because I ovulate so late in my cycle...about 22 days. So I called and left a message asking for a clomid prescription only to get a call back refusing my request because the office was going on vacation and monitoring would not be possible. I was a little shocked and immediately rebutted explaining that my cycle is quite long. The nurse said she would connect with my doctor and that she would call me back. That was at about 9 am and waiting all day made me crazy. I was upset because with clomid my cycle would be about 35 days and without who knows...perhaps all the way to 60 days, where I'd get meds to start it. It wasn't so upsetting that I'd have to wait another "cycle" but that the next time I'd have the change to try for ovulation would be February or March. So it was 2pm when I couldn't stand it any more and called the fertility clinic back but had to leave a message again... A few minutes later my call was returned and the nurse said Dr. K agreed to write the prescription because : the right tube might be blocked, I ovulate around day 22 (which would be plenty time to monitor after the office vacation), and I've only ever ovulated one egg when monitored on clomid. Thus I have an appointment to begin monitoring their first day back from vacation. What a relief! I'm so glad I spoke up! And I am even happier to say, as unscientific as cramps are, I think I'm going to ovulate on the left :).

As for work, we have a two week shut-down for Christmas, and during the break I feel like I've caught up with my housework, I've even had guests and will have more tomorrow. I'm glad to say I still love my job and am looking forward to finding out what the winter holds. I had the pleasure of taking family photos for some of my cousins and they turned out great (even if I do say so myself). As for depression: I feel great lately! Not to say that I don't get emotional or sad, but that I deal with those feelings immediately. I am very cognisant of the stages of grief when something upsets me now and I just let myself feel and wait for the anger. Anger, relief , and action seem to come all together at the end...I feel much more mentally healthy.

I feel like I am in a much better place just a year later and am looking forward to 2010 being even better yet!

TTFN

Almost

I've waited until I had the chance to tell my mom before blogging about this, so it waited a little. Last week I had a "chemical pregnancy". This means an egg was fertilized but it didn't stay. So I went through a wide range of emotions last week. So happy and then so sad and angry. The silver lining is that although I ovulated on the right fertilization happened so the right tube must be open.

I tested positive on Sunday and because of my early work schedule, I couldn't re-test until Thursday and on Thursday I began spotting in the morning before the test and discussed this with the nurse. The nurse said that there is nothing I could do either way but that the test would show if my hcg levels went down. I went about my day and slowly experienced more cramping then bleeding.

I felt "bummed" and sad as I drove home but tried not to cry because I was driving. I cried a little and thought when I get home I'll have a hot shower and a good cry but that didn't happen. I didn't get low down like I would have thought, I got angry. I growled and swore and felt way better! I was so much better that hubby was concerned that I wasn't grieving but I told him I cried a little on the way home and especially giving him a call and telling him what was happening lifted the weight of grief.

I can say that I have absolutely grown emotionally this month and ever more closer and appreciative of my hubby.

So I'm taking a cycle off just as the fertility clinic recommends. The nurse said that I could take a dose of clomid if my tests were absolute zero by day 3 and I really wanted to get back to it quickly, but I declined. It may be okay medically to try again right away but I'd feel weird about it. I need to take this cycle to be a little sad for the little life that almost was and start fresh next time.

Hope to be stickier next time...

TTFN

Two sides of life...

This week was a pooper of a week fertility wise but a great week career wise. I love my job! This week I was invited last minute to Senior Grad photography training. This is a privilege. I guess I was on the bubble and positive reports from one of the account managers pushed me over the edge and thus I was included in a group of "hand picked" photographers to be included in the training for the graduating high school students' photos. I knew I was eligible to be an assistant for these shoots and that was a privilege as well because this would make me an "under study" for the chance to shoot if needed but having the official photography training makes it likely that I'll move into the photography role for grads earlier:)

Like I said I love my job...I think it is because I love working with kids, I love the creative and technical aspects of photography, I love the immediate gratification when someone tells me "that's a great one" or "I think that's the best picture anyone has ever taken of me" or "She's the nicest photographer I've ever had", and weirdly enough I love going into an empty room filling it with my equipment and then leaving empty just like I found it at the end of the day. I'm very happy to be continuing onward and upward in this job.

TTFN

Either Way

Just Thought I'd share a thought. I'm enduring a 2 week wait but the funny part is I have been so stuffed up this month that I'll be happy either way... 1 way- a pregnancy...the other way- I can take a decongestant! LOL!

I'm feeling really good lately, relaxed and well balanced. I ovulated on the right (the possibly blocked side) so my expectations are low this time but my thyroid is getting and staying at a good level, so things are looking up:)

TTFN

All quiet on the Ovarian Front...

So its day 13 of my third cycle on clomid and this morning's ultrasound showed one 7 mm and one 8 mm follicle one on each side. My thyroid tests from a couple weeks ago showed tsh was down to 3.something which is good. But the next week, I had it tested at the clinic and those results were 5.something (as I found out today). I asked the nurse if it is normal for the results to go up and down and she said yes they go up and down a little and being from 2 different labs might cause some differences in results.
I will have another ultra sound on Sunday to see if my follicles have grown that will be day 16 and last time I was monitored I ovulated on day 18 with a 21 mm follicle. So they have some growing to do.
How do I feel? Complacent. I am somewhat emotionally detached at this point. I hope that doesn't sound drastic because it is more that I am maintaining a calm and taking the steps in a methodical way. I know that getting too emotionally involved at every step is a very dangerous game for ones own well being. As I go along there are more and more hurdles to overcome. So once again I have moved on in my mind to thinking about what I will do if I cannot get pregnant. Adoption is a serious option, if or when the situation is right. That is where my mind goes when I feel like pregnancy might not be possible or that trying too much longer might be too emotionally difficult.
But for now I am avoiding those emotions because I know them all too well...and whole heartedly hoping to get to the bottom of my own health issues. Right now solving my thyroid problems would be fantastic!

Timing

Timing is off...I had my thyroid tested last Wednesday and my cycle started before the results came in. So the fertility clinic is pressing the lab for the results because the fertility clinic's lab doesn't test T3 and T4. But if my thyroid levels are better since the medication than I can begin on clomid again this cycle and monitor... But based on how I feel...I'm doubting that my thyroid is at a good level. Anyway I am going in to the clinic tomorrow for blood tests and an ultrasound...I'm hoping to see the doctor to communicate directly about my thyroid and ideal levels... cause I feel a little foggy about where I need to be for conception and I have no idea how fast the medication works since its just my first 3-4 weeks... I'm having concern about swollen lymph nodes and I think I'll ask about those at the appointment too... We will have to see...
TTFN

Got my numbers...

I called the nurses at the fertility clinic to get the numbers for my thyroid. I feel somewhat more informed when I have the actual numbers. I already knew that the level of TSH for a normal thyroid should be between 1 and 5. I knew this because my family doctor has been testing me on and off but it hadn't been over the line and Dr. Wharton, the weight loss dr, had tested and it was high at about 10 but upon testing again it was under 5 and might have been an error. But since Dr. K (fertility dr) took over the thyroid testing for me the results have climbed from 4.77 in May to 6.15 in June and 7.53 in Aug. I'm glad I called back for the actual test numbers because I was actually surprised how high it is and so have high hopes for feeling "better" once the thyroid meds start working!

TTFN

SLAM on the breaks!

That's how I feel today...like I've had to SLAM on the breaks. I got my latest thyroid test results and I'm too high. I'm not too surprised because my hair has been falling out a little more again and my skin on my face was dry and irritable.

So first, that means more meds...I'm like an old lady with the daily pill container already...what's one more!?

Second, this cycle is scrapped. This is disappointing! This is what I mean by slam on the breaks because with a slow thyroid, miscarriage is likely so there is no point in trying to get pregnant until this is sorted out.

Third, this explains more of my problems, hair, skin, weight, muscle pain, fatigue...Maybe there is hope for me yet!

Speaking of hope, I really hope this gets sorted out relatively quickly and that this is the last hurdle.

TTFN

Keeping my cards close to my chest...

I feel like I have been keeping my cards close to my chest. I have not felt the urge to blog while ovulating and during the two week wait. Its a private time when I am almost holding my own breath hoping for the best. Well I am back at day one of my cycle again...so no pregnancy this time. I had a follicle on my right ovary go to 21mm...which is great but my right tube may not be open.
I was disappointed to hear my blood test was negative but it also made aunt flo's visit that came the very next day (today) a little easier. Knowing that I was not pregnant beginning a new cycle means I can try again soon.
Another aside is that my new cycle began 15 days after ovulation which is pretty "normal" so my irregularities of the past really are due to lack of ovulation. I know this is what I have been told by the doctor and in books but it is interesting to actually see it happen that way.
TTFN

Northern Air Grows Follicles

Wow! The follicle on my right ovary grew 7 mm over the weekend! At my appointment on Friday I asked if I could come back in 3 days instead of 2, so that we could travel to Muskoka for the weekend. Well the weekend up north did a world of good for my right ovary because it was growing only a mm every 2 or 3 days then shot up over the weekend by growing 2-3 mm a day! Too bad it isn't on my left side... the follicles really haven't grown on my left side. Oh well time will tell.
TTFN

The logic will keep you level...

Do you ever have something you want to know more about and you google it and click on and read those crazy message boards...Well I did that about ovulation. Ooops...Those message boards are full of support but not all that reliable for information. So my mind had a feeding frenzy on all the other "concerned women"'s questions and half answers...eventually my mind remembered one of my original questions...
Is follicle growth exponential? When I googled that I got some medical journals and I began to have clarity. Apparently there are some studies that show yes and some no. Some experts say to expect 1 to 2 mm follicular growth pre-ovulation per day. Other experts say that they will grow more per day as you move toward ovulation. I'm hoping for the exponential experience because I had a 1 mm growth from day 10 to day 13.
Additionally, I found out that it is pretty typical for a follicle to take 15 days to get from 10mm to 20mm. This sounds much better than- follicles should grow 1-2 mm per day and we need them to be 18-21 mm and they are about 10mm now. So a few days ago I was thinking I could be ovulating in like 4 days but now I realize that only growing 1 mm is not too strange. At least they're growing!
I don't know why I can't remember that I need to go to the facts to keep my mind settled and not worry. I always seem to fall into the hysteria trap on the web that is message boards. But thank goodness I found my way out once again and found some medical facts to compare myself to rather than other women's personal opinions and experiences. We are all so different and variable...Supportive, but different and variable.
TTFN
p.s. I have added 2 new links that helped me be logical today.>ovulation progress chart & >Follecular ...

Side Effects-Go Lefty Go!

Well I must say I have had seemingly no side effects from the clomid. I had a headache one day but who's to say I wouldn't have had that normally? So far so good in the ovulation department...Its very interesting to know all the details of my own cycle but there is still so far to go. The odds are still wavering, keeping my fingers crossed for the one follicle that has stared on the left because that's the side that is open...there are three on the right but there is only a 30% chance that that tube is open. I am in flux again...wondering but knowing the logical medical reasons for and against. I have to think logically about it to prepare myself for disappointment but I love hoping for the best too!
TTFN

Wet Feet

This morning I feel like I have my feet wet. I took my first clomid pill. Here I go wading into the waters of assisted fertility. Emotionally, I am enthralled by the very possible chance of getting pregnant and allowing myself to look at baby stuff and form opinions on the gear and stuff I would use. BUT I am also keeping myself level by remembering that, like yesterday (spotting the day before), when I get my period it is a sign that my body is coming closer to a "normal" cycle and that as we move forward and the doctor helps me sort out my hormones the possibility is more real for pregnancy. So one step at a time and I feel good and stable about it...
I'll wait and see what the clomid side effects are for me and blog about them too.
As for my everyday life...work has been slow lately and I have fallen back into some of the old habits of letting housework slide for days and days. I tried a while ago to say...okay I will do three things today and when I did three I had a great sense of accomplishment. But that didn't stick. SO I tried a new way... I didn't go so far as my therapist suggested, to write down my daily plans but I do plan a time for what needs to be done. For example yesterday I said from 12 to 1 I will clean the kitchen and when 12 came I did it. Today I needed to cut the berries off my fuchsias so they will flower again, so I said at 11 I will go trim the fuchsias and a miracle happened. I think I am actually decoding my motivation... As 11 came closer I rushed and got a load of laundry in before 11 so I could keep my schedule. But it was almost a procrastination reaction...since the gardening was the scheduled task I compulsively tried to put it off by doing something else. I may finally have control over my motivation for housework. Daun Daun Daaaah! We will see!
TTFN
P.S. My major motivation for cleaning the kitchen was something I read on line about baby gear... One lady said she thought a baby bath tub was a waste because the kitchen sink works and it made her keep her sink spotless...I have early memories of bathing in the kitchen sink myself, it does work. So I thought I am trying to do things for my health that are perfectly compatible with being pregnant so why not get habits in place for if I had a baby, like a clean sink!

Will have to leave the Wharton Clinic...

I had an appointment with a Bariatric Educator at the Wharton Clinic today and as I embark further into fertility treatment, it came to mind to ask if the Wharton Clinic keeps pregnant patients. I was chatting with the BE (Dietitian) and I asked what would happen if I got pregnant. This was a question that had never come up before...so when Dr. Wharton popped in to check on how things were going, I asked him. Unfortunately, I will have to discharge from the clinic when I get pregnant. Despite the fact that weighing-in, having my blood pressure checked regularly and checking in on my nutrition at a place that specializes in helping obese people get healthy, would probably be a good idea, due to legal and insurance reasons Dr. Wharton will not be able to help me during pregnancy.
I said I guess the two are conflicting and he disagreed and told me that the latest research shows that if an obese women loses weight during pregnancy the benefits out weigh the risks (pardon the pun). I truly respect Dr. Wharton's opinions and told him that. He told me to see the nutritionist that the OB offers.
I have since "googled" and found the new research for myself and will look for help (midwife, OB, nutritionist) that supports the new way of thinking with obese pregnancies.
I'm disappointed but I guess based on older medicine the law sees pregnancy and weight management as opposing forces and I know how it takes time for bureaucracy to catch up with the latest research. We are on the edge of a change of mind with regards to the old way of thinking that with pregnancy comes weight no matter at what weight you started.
Dr. Thorton published a paper, "Perinatal Outcomes in Nutritionally Monitored Obese Pregnant Women: A Randomized Clinical Trial," that was published in the June issue of the Journal of the National Medical Association and I found a report on this paper at sciencedaily.com where I found this quote and it hit home for me. Dr. Thorton was quoted "Pregnancy has become a license to eat. We talk about 'eating for two,' but it's really more like eating for 1 and 1/20th."
Too bad I won't be able to have the Wharton Clinic help me with my 1/20th!
TTFN
P.S. I will have another BE appointment in 2 weeks because I haven't been journaling. I will have to bring 2 weeks worth of daily food journals with me to that meeting! Ooops, I guess it has finally caught up with me!;)

How many calories does worry burn?

I had a weigh in today and lost 2.7 pounds! But I was sooo worried that I wouldn't lose any because I've not been the "best" dieter lately, thus now I figure worrying must burn calories! More logically, it could have been the effect of the metformin I am taking, many people lose weight just by taking it. But the side effects can be kept in check by eating lots of protien...
So my % lost is now 6.5... getting closer to that big 10% that so many experts recommend. Just loosing 10% of your body weight can make everything work better even fertility...So I'm re-inspired because I'm so close to 10%. I've got to try to get back to the journaling to make sure I keep my momentum.
TTFN

Aunties make the best pals...

There are 2 little boys in my life that bring me lots of joy. Over the last little while I've spent time with both of them and it made me notice another of life's simple joys... A little hand reaching up to hold my finger and walk with me, a giggle and the uttering of simple words like cars or ball. Then there are those words that I definitely need their moms' help with... but still so cute! Here's to my one year old nephews...my sunshine boys!

TTFN

One of my favorite lunches...

Today I will share one of my new lunch secrets...Its quickly becoming a new favorite of mine. Chicken noodle soup with extra chicken. Its super easy especially if you have some time. I need to load up on the proteins for my new leaner lifestyle and this does the trick but its also an old favorite comfort food. I cook some chicken thighs in a little water in my soup pot (4-6 thighs). I cook the chicken low and slow and when I start to smell the chicken I take it out and chop it up into thin chunks. I return the chicken to the water its been cooking in add 1 can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup (its improved a lot over the last few years) I rinse the can and add the water to the pot (only about 1/2 a can more water). Stir and heat again until it boils and starts to smell again. I can smell it right now...yum yum yum. The soup is so full of chicken that you don't need crackers. I eat half right away and save half for the next days lunch. This is a really great high protein very satisfying lunch. Gotta go my soup is ready:)
TTFN
P.S. I eat 3/8 of a cup of cottage cheese 15 mins before lunch. More protien, helps me feel full and eat lunch slowly.

Metformin side effect...

So anyone on metformin will tell you about 1 obvious side effect. It happened to me once the day after I stared not again until this morning so...I thought I had beat it and might not have to deal with it or at least until my dosage changes again. But no I had a gurggly belly and had to rush to the bathroom twice this morning. So beware the metformin, this one tried and true side effect has come through again. But I have armed myself with cheese and bananas and will find a way to manage.
TTFN

Good news at the fertility doctor.

I had my follow up appointment with the fertility doc today. The results were pretty good. She figures we have a 10% chance of pregnancy with medication. I have prescriptions for metformin and clomid. The metformin is for the insulin resistance that comes along with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), and thus I must also be careful not to get diabetes which is likely for me due to the insulin resistance. The metformin will help me ovulate but the clomid will really encourage ovulation. I am being retested for thyroid and the fertility doc will treat me even though my tests for her came back high normal...she wants the TSH levels down nice and low to prevent complications in pregnancy. Hubby was all clear...
So all of that sounds like a lot, but for me, worried about being able to get pregnant at all and wondering about the results of all of the tests, that is good news.
Plus I must consider that a normal couple has only a 20-25% chance of conception on any given month...My hope has been restored:)
TTFN

1/2 Way to First Weight Goal!

I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Wharton today and upon weighing in I learned that I am down about 5% of my body weight. Woohoo. My first goal is to loose 10% so I'm 1/2 way there. I felt very proud meeting with Dr. Wharton he congratulated and encouraged me today. On a more medical note he told me that my tests showed that I have hypothyroidism. Which I suspected and which also explains a lot of my symptoms. My family doctor, asked me to repeat my thyroid test, which I did today because it was borderline 2 months ago. Dr. Wharton said as of the tests I did for his work up, I was very high for "THS"(thyroid stimulating hormone) and to have my family doctor forward the results of the blood tests from today to his office.
There is also the fertility doctor, also checking my thyroid and I will have my follow up with her tomorrow, so there will be a third doctor checking into it. I feel like there is a race to see who diagnoses and treats me first. I don't care who wins, I just want to start growing my hair back!!!
And lastly, I also met with the therapist, she congratulated me for feeling "back on my feet" but I will see her once more at the end of the month, after all the results are in and any medications are worked out. Especially the cipralex, which I am almost off of...one more week taking 5mg every other day.
Feeling good...Busy but good.
TTFN

Loosing my appetite...

Not really a problem but more of a "development"...I seem to have lost my appetite. There are a few possibilities as to why this has happened. First and foremost I think it is because I'm busy. I've gone from zero to 50 in 3 months, this is a major change in my activity level and how much time I have on my hands. I'm just not hungry and sometimes forget to eat when I am on the "go go go". I'm not depressed anymore so I'm not eating for comfort...but a side effect of the cipralex (which I am almost off of totally) is a loss of appetite. And one last possibility is my arthritis. I'm not sure why but one of the symptoms of AS (ankylosing spondylitis) is a loss of appetite and I believe that the last time I lost a whole bunch of weight (9-6 years ago) the AS was a contributing factor.
Overall I see this as a balancing...the body works in weird ways and I am working towards having balance in my life again and loosing my appetite is probably a part of that in some weird way. But I am trying to eat healthy and find new ways to eat on the go...
TTFN

My Luxury...My Flowers

Its time to tell y'all about one of my favourite things...Flowers. I was later this year in getting flowers for the balcony but a couple of weeks ago Hubby treated me and encouraged me to let loose at the garden centre. I totally embellished my balcony with fuchsias baskets and planted up my planters with lobelia, impatiens and dreceana spikes. All purple and coral...and it looks striking, I love it.
My flowers are part of me... I love looking at flowers and being filled with the wonder of creation and diversity of life. Its spiritual for me. So that one wonderful thing that hubby encouraged me to do (buy some flowers) has set me up for a successful summer:) I look out the balcony door and feel good.
On a technical note...My balcony is shady in the afternoon thus my choices in flowers(listed above). I live in a condo, no yard just a balcony, no hose... So I bring water to my flowers by reusing old juice bottles. I have 5 juice bottles I fill in the kitchen, add a tiny bit of 15-30-15 fertilizer to each bottle, tuck the bottles under my arms, keeping one hand free to slide the door open, locate the cats to make sure none will slip out the door...then water each plant. That's my system and it works well.
I love my flowers.
TTFN

Down 10!

I'm back from my weigh-in today and I am down a total of 10 pounds now:). I was worried because I wasn't journaling but I was trying to eat lots of protein. But what a relief when I saw that scale down 2 lbs from last weigh in.
I'm still in some pain from the HSG but I think my cycle may have started...It was full on through the night but has tapered off again. I will monitor it and call the fertility clinic in the morning tomorrow because I'm not sure how this might affect my last blood test I need to have on day 3 of my cycle. But is this the beginning of a cycle or bleeding from the HSG test? Oh just more of the wondering, I am getting used to... I will find out tomorrow.
I'm glad to be resting the rest of the day with my 2 kitties... Although I will be googling to try to figure out what is causing some itchy dry skin on my face.
TTFN

Libido...I'm gonna need that

I had my appointment with the therapist yesterday and asked to come off the meds. I had a whole slew of reasons. I know they worked because I feel better, younger, more carefree. I'm worried that they may contribute to hairloss (although using rollers gives me great results). But the most convincing for her I think was my lowered libido and umm, I'm gonna need that! She was resistant but agreed to let me try to come off the meds but I must journal my moods and have hubby make note of any rebounding signs of depression.
Speaking of libido...I had my HSG test today. They put fluid that shows up on the xray into my uterus then took repeated images. My left falopian tube is definately open, my right was inconclusive because given more time the fluid may have flown out but the fluid from the left side began to billow around to the right. i totally see why someone should drive you home from this test too... The cramping recessively scaled down throughout the day but since you go home immediately if you were driving yourself you would definately be imparied. All the way home it was-> Ouch! Oh now that feels a little better. Ouch! okay that's even better, Ouch!...
Plus the update on work is that it was great! Much more fun than expected. We had a review and I have a few things to work on but overall I know I'm in the right place. With one shoot under my belt and knowing the flow of the shoots now I can further focus on perfecting my work.
In the weight department. I shall divulge tomorrow after a weigh in...
TTFN

Where Do I Go From Here...

So I have my first team shoot on Saturday and one next Saturday... Seems like this will be a one shoot per week thing and I need to find more work during the day - during the week.
I had an abdominal ultrasound and blood test for the Wharton Clinic today, I am going to put off my weigh-in until Tuesday before I go to the therapist. My last weigh in was Monday before my class with Dr. Wharton so it will have been 15 days. I've fallen off the food journal wagon again but tried to keep to the right food at the right time...
My class with Dr. Wharton was really great though his philosphies are very inspiring and he explaines the science behind why some people gain weight easier. It was a super class.
I found a great way to style my hair too. I tried putting my hair in rollers while it dried and the bounce was very pleasing!
I am getting anxious to find out what the results of the fertility tests will be> we still have 3 tests to go but 2 of them are determined by appointment and 1 by my cycle. Then after that we will have our follow up and learn what the next step is.
So after I have my first shoot/ assignment, I think I will feel like I have all of these changes under my belt then I need to find out how to keep my forward momentum...maybe I need to get to that day planner thing...hmm
TTFN

Ode to the Hairstylist

Today I went and had my hair cut. I abandon the idea that I needed to have a picture though. I decided to tell the stylist my problem (thinning hair) and let her do as she saw fitting for me. The result is great! I told Paula (the stylist) that I am going through some hormonal changes, that I noticed my hair thinning mostly on the sides, that I needed a shorter length so that there would be less brushing and so my hair wouldn't be so flat on my head. As a result I have what I would call a soft "Rachel" (you know Jennifer Aniston's hair in the early Friends days). The length brushes my shoulders, there are lots of layers low in the cut and the top is still pretty solid but short enough to bounce. it has really helped my outlook on the whole hair issue.
Yesterday I was dealing with "the other end". I had my intravaginal ultrasound. This was a first for me and a new level of discomfort! Bless all those women who have had this done many times and I hope to get used to it and be able to ignore the pressure. I am starting to get anxious to find out the results of all these tests...June will tell...TTFN

Hair loss

A few here and a few there...that's how it started. The drain would clog with my hair and we'd just use a pair of old tweezers and clear it out. I'd fill my brushes with hair faster than usual but it was never something I really paid attention too so I didn't really know if my hair was coming out more. I'd run my hands through my hair and have a bunch of hairs in my hand but I'd figure it was because I didn't brush it yet. Until Sunday... I had a shower and twisted my hair up into a clip while it was wet. I did some other things to get ready then went back to my hair. I considered leaving it up in the clip so I took my hand mirror to see what it looked like from the back and I saw for sure that I had many more clear patches. I asked my mom later that day if she thought my hair was thinner. And yes she did. Hubby, Mom, Dad and I discussed it.
So the question of why is not a hard one because 2 of the things I am being "checked out for" have symptomatic hair loss...PCOS and low thyroid.
The question is what to do, Dad and hubby agreed that getting a shorter cut might help. Hubby said having less to brush might cause less to come out.
I've googled it and found some advice that makes sense to me. Be gentle (like I always have been), avoid tight or hair dos that pull (I have trouble with this because I like up dos), expect density to return with treatment after the hormonal problems are treated but the loss will continue until the hormones are balanced. Hair styles that are suggested around the web are having a length between your shoulders and your ears with layering to keep the hair light and up lifted.
My fear about getting my hair cut is a loss of my sense of femininity. I've had my hair short before and liked it but I'm a little frozen because the loss of density in my hair plus having it short might be too much. I feel like the length is feminine and I want to keep that but I also understand that cutting it will most likely preserve the density better which is important too and more so for the long run.
Well...I think writing this blog helped me decide what to do...I will look for a shorter style I like and consult with a stylist.
TTFN

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms, Mammas, Mas and Mommies out there. And in the case of my mother its Mhumma (you have to make the m and the h sound at the same time). Thanks to our moms for their sweet nothings and for being the soft place for us to land in this hard world.

Also I must send a word out for all those hope to be moms. Mothers day can be hard but what I will try to do is think "I hope I'm a mom soon" rather than all the negative thoughts that could happen like "I'm not a mom" "Will I ever be a mom?"..."What's wrong with me?" "Why me?". STOP. Really stop yourself from thinking those types of thoughts by paying attention to your thoughts. Be logical about it, you may need medical help or maybe you should consider adoption. Hope to be a mom and figure out how to achieve that goal. So arm yourself with positive thoughts and go out visiting and indulge in the idea of motherhood. Ask the moms you know about their feelings about motherhood and use that to "fire you up" to move to the next logical step in your own fight for motherhood. That's what I will do today!
TTFN

Busy But Good

It has been a couple of busy days. On Friday (yesterday) I stopped at the Wharton Clinic for a weigh in before stopping in to see my therapist then I went on to training for my new job. Today I continued training for my new job but we did some practical photography work.
First things first, I lost 2.5 lbs over the last 2 weeks. Woohoo!
Second, on the mental health front, I talked to the therapist about some of the side effects of the medication and how they have subsided. We also discussed how I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes and how to best keep organized with all of the appointments, in addition to some strategies for time management in learning to keep my home more tidy without feeling bad about it. I'll blog about my solutions for that once I set up some day planners etc.
Third, work is really great. Working with my fellow photographers today helped me see that I have some assets that the others don't. I had taken for granted my experience working with children and my ability to take charge of the situation. When behind the camera it comes natural for me to speak up and take charge. Some of the other photographers who have been with the company for other seasons were warning us about all the weird and annoying things kids will do while you are trying to take pictures...Duh! The thing about that is that the behaviours are quite predictable once you are used to working with children, which I am even in large groups. So I guess that is one more thing I can feel good about.:D
TTFN

Orange Drink

I went for my fasting tests this morning. I didn't realize that I would be there for 2 hours to have the glucose challenge test but I managed with the aid of a stray magazine. I again had more needles than really required because the techs have trouble finding "good" veins. Everything did go smoother than last night though. The tech today that couldn't find a vein didn't poke around as much and asked another tech to try right away.
The oddest part of the test for me was drinking the glucose orange drink. I have really cut back on sweets and pop or juice are completely out of my diet. I only drink water, coffee, tea, milk and soy milk. So drinking what was like orange pop (minus the bubbles) was quite a flavour experience. The drink even had a bit of a bite, it burned a little in my throat. Super sweet.
But that is the point of the test. They took blood after fasting for 12 hours then I drank the glucose/super sweet drink, sat there for 2 hours, then they took more blood. This will show my fasting insulin level and show what happens to my insulin after I ingest glucose. Ultimately this will show if I am insulin resistant which is a component to Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which in turn may be affecting my fertility.
There is so much testing going on but this test is one I am very interested in because it will explain a whole bunch of my health issues.
TTFN

First Fertility Appointment

Hubby and I went to see the fertility doctor today at One Fertility's transition location in Hamilton. Dr. Karnis was excellent, she put us at ease with her sense of humour. After interviewing us and going over our medical history she said she wanted to test my blood to see if I am insulin resistant because I might have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and that would be the reason why I have irregular periods/ovulation and thus why we have not been able to conceive. But she also said that ovulation is not a factor until we make sure my tubes are clear and hubby's little commandos are on the move. Dr. K also said it is great that I am going to the Wharton Clinic because loosing weight will help with fertility and if she is right about the PCOS then loosing weight will also help prevent diabetes which I may be predisposed to because of PCOS.
So we left the office with 2 fists full of requisitions for tests and appointments for my ultra sound and hysterosalpingogram. We went straight to the lab near our house where I had 11 vials of blood taken and hubby had 5 vials taken. I will fast until morning and go back for a fasting glucose and insulin test amoung others.
I had to be stabbed 3 times before the second tech could get a blood sample at the lab. I am a little worried about going back there in the morning for the fasting tests but it is close to my house. I regretted not stopping at the lab in my GPs office on the way home (where they always get the blood on the first poke) after sitting through the 3 needles and the 1st tech saying my veins are too small and they collapsed on him. I think I will just remind them that I was the one from the day before that has the small veins, although my bruises will remind them!
All our testing will take about a month so we will see Dr. K again in June for a diagnosis and to discuss treatment options. It feels good to begin having the mystery uncovered.
TTFN

Back in Order

Well its after dinner now and I only have one snack left to eat and record before I can say I have successfully gone back to the way things need to be. That's right I climbed back on the food journal wagon and I've recorded everything I ate and drank today. On top of that its been a good day for calories, protein and carbs but not as good for fat (+.83 g) and fibre (-10.52g). But fat and fibre are not really my focus, so I can say that today has been successful. I'm still struggling with the whole exercise thing and I need to kick it up because I have a weigh in this Friday.
I was glad to relax today. I am making so many changes, I have never felt things changing SO quickly in my life before. It was nice today to get back to basics and ensure my own well being. I must admit I was feeling rundown this morning and began to worry that I am spreading myself too thin---Can I handle all the change? So a pause of a day to gather my thoughts has been great to re-enforce my ability to move forward.
TTFN

Down a size, up a sundae.

I went shopping with my Mom today and was pleasently surprised to find I was down a size. Sure it was a little snug but I was comfortable. The messed up part is that I started by trying on a size bigger than normal. In retrospect I don't really know why that happened but I think maybe I was stuck in old ways of thinking and assumed I would need a bigger size. So then moving passed my "normal" size to a size smaller was great.
THEN I got home and hubby asked if I wanted to go out for dinner, I suggested a new fish place in our neighbourhood that my partents had recommended and we went. They had the option to have a "healthy" meal (olive oil, salad, broiled fish), BUT I had haddock and chips (bad on many levels). THEN we went to DQ! I had a sundae.
I am feeling guilty about what I ate tonight but also that I haven't been food journaling for a few days. So I must state right now that tomorrow is my back to business, full on journaling, being fabulously healthy day...
TTFN

Bright Yellow T-shirt!

Training went well for my new job today. And I am so pleased to say that my "uniform" is a bright yellow t-shirt! (please note the sarcasm) I feel more confident having spent a day with 36 of my co-workers also starting contract at this time. We were a mixed group of photographers and assistants. It was interesting to watch and hear people create a social structure within the group. The photographers being superior as the "skilled" part of the group. I listened to photographers talk using photo-jargon knowing that those hired to be assistants would not really understand them. But the really funny part was that it seems the assistants have to do so much more "work".
I think this might be one of the first times of my life that I am on this side of the coin. The side of the coin where someone is "subservient" to me. I have to learn how to value and express gratitude to my assistant and yet appreciate my own valuable skills and not belittle my abilities. Confidence will continue to be important as I get comfortable in my new job. I must put my best foot forward and let my skills do the rest.
Is it weird to feel like I have the opportunity and the skills but worry that I need more confidence?
In the context of my life challenges I guess this is truly an opportunity to refine my identity. I am so grateful to be at this point, reforming myself, rather than struggling, wondering where my life has gone wrong.
Now I just have to work on having the fashion confidence to pull off a bright, and I mean bright yellow t-shirt!
TTFN

Change in motion

No blog yesterday but I was wrapped up in my off-line life. I had my therapist appointment yesterday, after talking for an hour she recommended that I go on anti-depressant meds for 8 weeks. She said I am mildly depressed and doing everything right with my thoughts/cognitive changes as well as behaviours but she felt that my repeated disappointments over the last 2 years have stepped down my serotonin/"the everything's okay brain chemical". I have reservations about taking meds but I have 3 reasons to go ahead. 1. Its only for 8 weeks. 2. I have been so down I don't really remember how it feels to feel the "good" that I took for granted before. 3. I called mother risk and verified that it is safe to be on the anti-depressants prescribed even if I get pregnant. So onward and upward...
Speaking of possible pregnancy, late yesterday afternoon I got a call from Dr. Karnis' receptionist and we now have an appointment for fertility at the transition location for One fertility.
Boy oh boy when you open up to change its amazing how things can really get rollin'!
TTFN

New Job

I am excited! I just received an email from my new boss. Training starts on Saturday. I'm excited because I am finally going to have a job I feel proud of not just a job for the money. I have a sense of challenge and a sense of adventure. I feel confident but am interested to see the skill level of my co-workers. I am starting a new contract with a company that takes sports teams pictures. You know like the ones you see in the businesses around town because they've sponsored a kids' soccer team. I'll be the one behind the camera telling the group to say "I've got flees".
One thing that hangs in the back of my mind is that when I was a kid the men who came to take the pictures were always creepy. So I guess I'm the creepy guy now! lol. I really hope this goes well. It will take up my evenings and weekends for a while and I will be driving all over Southern Ontario (that's the adventure part!). The best part is that if I am successful I will be offered a contract for school photography. I think that would be a really great job! Wish me luck!
TTFN

Emotional Eating

I had my first "class" experience at the Wharton clinic today. It was given by a behavioural therapist. She told us to try to track our thoughts and learn to identify our problem triggers for over eating. It was interesting but things I had heard before. Especially the track your thoughts stuff its just like in my Mindful Way through Depression book. "Mindfulness" has become the new tool for many facets of my life.
It was great to listen to the other people in the class who are having similar or even more difficult struggles with food. I went for a walk right after I got home then felt very tired again. I think I should have had more carbs early in the day. I shall try to do that tomorrow...
TTFN

Ate a big meal and went to bed.

As you may very well notice I didn't blog yesterday. I couldn't think of what to blog about in the morning. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Then we went out in the pouring rain to dinner where I didn't stick to my diet on the whole.
In my mind, if we went out for dinner then we could go for a nice romantic walk by the lake after and wear-off some calories. But it was still raining when we finished dinner so we went home watched a movie and went to bed way too early.
Having slept for way too long I am blogging this morning feeling completely relaxed and looking forward to getting back on the wagon. I'll make breakfast then maybe go for a walk. The weather is not as nice as yesterday but it looks fresh...Kind of what I'm looking for:)
TTFN

3.4

3.4 pounds lost! Woo hoo. That's a step in the right direction. I learned a lot at my meeting with the Bariatric Educator at the clinic today too. Apparently my off the diet deep end was not really off the deep end. (This is of course under Doctor's supervision and is a plan designed for me by specialists.) I was right too cut carbs and raise protein as much as I did.
My food diary has changed too. Looking back at the diary I was given to keep at my first visit, 2 weeks ago, that diary was like kindergarten. But it's totally cool how they are taking me step by step into a plan that is more complex and more specific for me. The new diary is less about what I ate and more about what is in what I am eating. Now its more like here is what your body needs what did you eat to fulfill that. The first diary was different because it was arranged to show what I ate then I had to list what nutrients and calories were in that food.
I'm looking forward to finishing the rest of my testing because I am feeling tired lately. Might be my thyroid, that tested "borderline" with the family doctor at the beginning of the month. we will see.
I have to go snack now (I have to eat 8 times a day!)
TTFN

Through the 'hood and wood.

Well I managed to squeeze a half hour walk into my busy day. I walk through the neighbourhood and the woods in the park behind my home, it took me 32 minutes round trip today. Once I can make it a little faster I will have to add some distance so I am still walking for at least a half hour.
About my busy day...its totally not busy! For months my days have been mostly about what's on T.V. this is where depression is still lingering. I am looking forward to talking to the psychologist about my enduring lack of interest in doing anything that requires I remove my rump from my couch. The biggest problem is housework. Oh yes, I have time to keep my place super clean but it is not.
This is a very old habit but I find it creepy these days. I need to discover the role of procrastination in my life. I think it might have something to do with my identity or a sense of duty or being needed. It may be that if I have nothing at least I have a mess to clean up. That might be too weird. Although it wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was nothing and it was a messy kitchen that helped me find that rock bottom. My lowest thought was I can't even keep the dishes clean. The only thing that kept me going was that I knew that my loved ones loved and valued me in return. I called the doctor the next day and found a book that helped me immeasurably "The Mindful Way through Depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn.
Now if only I can learn to value a clean sink a little more often!
TTFN

Diet Deep End

So it seems I've gone off the diet deep end. On April 11th I had my first visit at the Wharton Clinic. I was weighed and measured and had brief counselling. The thing that stuck in my head was to raise my protein and fibre and maintain my carbs. Well that has manifested as lower my carbs and send my protein through the roof!
I have spent the evening making a spreadsheet of my calorie, protein, and carbs totals for each day since April 12th. (My willpower and spreadsheets tend to have a co-relation, so this is a good sign). But while looking at all the numbers I realized that there might just be too much of a good thing going on here... So with a little "googling" I found that going 30% above the daily recommended intake of protein is a bad thing. Plus my carbs are too low and my calories are too low when I look back at the sheet with my measurements and recommendations from the clinic.
In closing I will have to tweak my "intake" (plus increase my exercise, I'm lacking hardcore there) . On the bright side, it is apparent that I don't have to worry so much about a treat here or there. :)
TTFN
P.S. Weigh-in on Friday.

New Cycle

I didn’t know where I would start today but the answer just showed up. Yesterday was day 45 and today is day 1. Fertility the first issue I will get into more detail about. So I have been trying to have a child for about 2 years now (lots of infertility denial at work). I am waiting for news about my referral to One Fertility although they are not open until June. So where are my emotions at? I am feeling relaxed and relieved.
Huh? Hoping to conceive and relieved that it didn’t happen this cycle? No, relaxed and relieved that I made it through a cycle without feeling like a crazy person. 2 years of hoping every cycle (albeit irregular) and never having it come true made me feel crazy. But “Ahaaaaaaaaaa” *sing the angels* I made it through a cycle without being obsessed about pregnancy symptoms or fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test. I can have hormones and emotions AND be a functioning logical woman! Woo hoo! I did it! Thus I am relaxed and relieved because my plan to focus on myself for the next little while is working.
My plans are to work on my health and weight loss, educate myself about mental health and avoiding the “crazy person” feeling, and find fulfillment and balance in my career and financial contribution to my marriage. As my plan continues to be successful I will find myself on a healthier more sure footing to investigate our fertility and take the steps I need to take toward my hearts desire. In closing I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge my disappointment that aunt flo showed up again and also acknowledge that I want to eat chips and chocolate right now. Maybe I'll blog about chips and chocolate substitutes tomorrow...
TTFN

First Blog

So here I go putting it "out there" for the world to see. My revelations. First I must point out that last year was an all time low in my life. I am coming out of the dark now attempting to gain back some of my optimism. I have decided to blog because 30 is hard! But also because I look around and find women near my age struggling too. I am realizing that many many women around the age of 30 suffer silently or rather say "everything is fine" but really everything SUCKS! Having said that... from the deep dark dirt grows the flowers in the spring and a rainy day now and then will ultimately help the flower grow. I think it would be to my detriment to explain everything that made last year SO bad, rather I will just say that I am glad it is over and use this blog to share how I am productively climbing out of dark, just like a seed finally germinating. I will share my stories of my new job, my new weight loss program, my mental health, and my fertility. In closing I want to share one of the phrases I heard lately that gave me a light bulb moment... Women must learn to give themsleves without losing themselves.
TTFN