Hoping for a weekend growth-spurt

Follicles have been growing slowly this week...As of this morning I have a 14mm on the left, which is kind of exciting. This is the first time I've known to be ovulating on the left and this is my clear fallopian tube. :) Now hoping for a weekend growth spurt so that I won't have to worry about appointments mid week when I will be busy with work again.

I'm looking forward to the new challenge of grade 8 grad photos. I'll get to spend a little more time with each student & take more photos> but the attention to detail that is required is greater too. But that's part of the reason why I love my job... given a challenge and beat it.

We are also getting close to the time when we usually go on a Caribbean cruise vacation...but not this year. We want to flip around the way we afford our vacations and pay cash for the next one, or at least try. Although I don't have a problem with "borrowing" to go, because the experiences are so valuable and many of the people I respect most, my elders, have told me they have done the same thing and feel good about it in the long run. I digress. I've visited the cruise website more often lately though...just dreaming...

But the distraction helps I think, I've obsessed about babies too much lately and that gets me nowhere. Obsessing made me feel a little cookoo and that scares me. Soooo... thinking about vacations has helped with that over the last couple of days. Feeling challenged at work helps too and so will going for a walk with hubby this afternoon...:)

TTFN

Anyway,

Before the year is out

I figured I better post a new blog before the year is out! So... two Sundays ago I began a new cycle. It took longer because it was a "natural" cycle about 50 days...10 more days and I'd be inquiring about meds to start my cycle, but it didn't come to that. I had a whole day of light spotting so I waited before calling the Doctor. I called on Tuesday when I was sure my cycle was "a go".

I knew the office was going on Christmas vacation but according to my math I would be eligible for a round of clomid because I ovulate so late in my cycle...about 22 days. So I called and left a message asking for a clomid prescription only to get a call back refusing my request because the office was going on vacation and monitoring would not be possible. I was a little shocked and immediately rebutted explaining that my cycle is quite long. The nurse said she would connect with my doctor and that she would call me back. That was at about 9 am and waiting all day made me crazy. I was upset because with clomid my cycle would be about 35 days and without who knows...perhaps all the way to 60 days, where I'd get meds to start it. It wasn't so upsetting that I'd have to wait another "cycle" but that the next time I'd have the change to try for ovulation would be February or March. So it was 2pm when I couldn't stand it any more and called the fertility clinic back but had to leave a message again... A few minutes later my call was returned and the nurse said Dr. K agreed to write the prescription because : the right tube might be blocked, I ovulate around day 22 (which would be plenty time to monitor after the office vacation), and I've only ever ovulated one egg when monitored on clomid. Thus I have an appointment to begin monitoring their first day back from vacation. What a relief! I'm so glad I spoke up! And I am even happier to say, as unscientific as cramps are, I think I'm going to ovulate on the left :).

As for work, we have a two week shut-down for Christmas, and during the break I feel like I've caught up with my housework, I've even had guests and will have more tomorrow. I'm glad to say I still love my job and am looking forward to finding out what the winter holds. I had the pleasure of taking family photos for some of my cousins and they turned out great (even if I do say so myself). As for depression: I feel great lately! Not to say that I don't get emotional or sad, but that I deal with those feelings immediately. I am very cognisant of the stages of grief when something upsets me now and I just let myself feel and wait for the anger. Anger, relief , and action seem to come all together at the end...I feel much more mentally healthy.

I feel like I am in a much better place just a year later and am looking forward to 2010 being even better yet!

TTFN

Almost

I've waited until I had the chance to tell my mom before blogging about this, so it waited a little. Last week I had a "chemical pregnancy". This means an egg was fertilized but it didn't stay. So I went through a wide range of emotions last week. So happy and then so sad and angry. The silver lining is that although I ovulated on the right fertilization happened so the right tube must be open.

I tested positive on Sunday and because of my early work schedule, I couldn't re-test until Thursday and on Thursday I began spotting in the morning before the test and discussed this with the nurse. The nurse said that there is nothing I could do either way but that the test would show if my hcg levels went down. I went about my day and slowly experienced more cramping then bleeding.

I felt "bummed" and sad as I drove home but tried not to cry because I was driving. I cried a little and thought when I get home I'll have a hot shower and a good cry but that didn't happen. I didn't get low down like I would have thought, I got angry. I growled and swore and felt way better! I was so much better that hubby was concerned that I wasn't grieving but I told him I cried a little on the way home and especially giving him a call and telling him what was happening lifted the weight of grief.

I can say that I have absolutely grown emotionally this month and ever more closer and appreciative of my hubby.

So I'm taking a cycle off just as the fertility clinic recommends. The nurse said that I could take a dose of clomid if my tests were absolute zero by day 3 and I really wanted to get back to it quickly, but I declined. It may be okay medically to try again right away but I'd feel weird about it. I need to take this cycle to be a little sad for the little life that almost was and start fresh next time.

Hope to be stickier next time...

TTFN

Two sides of life...

This week was a pooper of a week fertility wise but a great week career wise. I love my job! This week I was invited last minute to Senior Grad photography training. This is a privilege. I guess I was on the bubble and positive reports from one of the account managers pushed me over the edge and thus I was included in a group of "hand picked" photographers to be included in the training for the graduating high school students' photos. I knew I was eligible to be an assistant for these shoots and that was a privilege as well because this would make me an "under study" for the chance to shoot if needed but having the official photography training makes it likely that I'll move into the photography role for grads earlier:)

Like I said I love my job...I think it is because I love working with kids, I love the creative and technical aspects of photography, I love the immediate gratification when someone tells me "that's a great one" or "I think that's the best picture anyone has ever taken of me" or "She's the nicest photographer I've ever had", and weirdly enough I love going into an empty room filling it with my equipment and then leaving empty just like I found it at the end of the day. I'm very happy to be continuing onward and upward in this job.

TTFN

Either Way

Just Thought I'd share a thought. I'm enduring a 2 week wait but the funny part is I have been so stuffed up this month that I'll be happy either way... 1 way- a pregnancy...the other way- I can take a decongestant! LOL!

I'm feeling really good lately, relaxed and well balanced. I ovulated on the right (the possibly blocked side) so my expectations are low this time but my thyroid is getting and staying at a good level, so things are looking up:)

TTFN

All quiet on the Ovarian Front...

So its day 13 of my third cycle on clomid and this morning's ultrasound showed one 7 mm and one 8 mm follicle one on each side. My thyroid tests from a couple weeks ago showed tsh was down to 3.something which is good. But the next week, I had it tested at the clinic and those results were 5.something (as I found out today). I asked the nurse if it is normal for the results to go up and down and she said yes they go up and down a little and being from 2 different labs might cause some differences in results.
I will have another ultra sound on Sunday to see if my follicles have grown that will be day 16 and last time I was monitored I ovulated on day 18 with a 21 mm follicle. So they have some growing to do.
How do I feel? Complacent. I am somewhat emotionally detached at this point. I hope that doesn't sound drastic because it is more that I am maintaining a calm and taking the steps in a methodical way. I know that getting too emotionally involved at every step is a very dangerous game for ones own well being. As I go along there are more and more hurdles to overcome. So once again I have moved on in my mind to thinking about what I will do if I cannot get pregnant. Adoption is a serious option, if or when the situation is right. That is where my mind goes when I feel like pregnancy might not be possible or that trying too much longer might be too emotionally difficult.
But for now I am avoiding those emotions because I know them all too well...and whole heartedly hoping to get to the bottom of my own health issues. Right now solving my thyroid problems would be fantastic!

Timing

Timing is off...I had my thyroid tested last Wednesday and my cycle started before the results came in. So the fertility clinic is pressing the lab for the results because the fertility clinic's lab doesn't test T3 and T4. But if my thyroid levels are better since the medication than I can begin on clomid again this cycle and monitor... But based on how I feel...I'm doubting that my thyroid is at a good level. Anyway I am going in to the clinic tomorrow for blood tests and an ultrasound...I'm hoping to see the doctor to communicate directly about my thyroid and ideal levels... cause I feel a little foggy about where I need to be for conception and I have no idea how fast the medication works since its just my first 3-4 weeks... I'm having concern about swollen lymph nodes and I think I'll ask about those at the appointment too... We will have to see...
TTFN